I hate homeschooling.

It hasn’t been that long ago when I was exhausted, frustrated, and completely overwhelmed and I heard myself mumble these three words…

…I hate homeschooling.

Just mumbling those words to myself was devastating. To my brain those words came along with a bunch of extra fun thoughts like, you are a failure, you failed your kids, you failed your husband, you are just quitting, you must be lazy … I think you get the picture.

Now I ask you – how could I ever dig out of that pit when those were the thoughts swirling around?

I’ve learned a few things since that day. The first is I don’t hate homeschooling. The second is not everything you think is true. The third is self-care is about way more than getting a pedicure or a latte.

I hated the way I was doing homeschooling.

I am not an organized person by nature. My office looked a lot like this when I was working full time:

I accepted it about myself. I was still an effective professor even with my office literally at the point where I had to move piles to see students at the end of every semester. The thing is – that was my process.

The clutter didn’t bother me. In fact, I loved being able to put my hand on the stack of papers I needed without going through drawers or bins. It made my creative process work well and I was productive.

Why did I think that I could suddenly be this type of person?

It was an unrealistic expectation. The saddest part is that it was not the only one I put on myself. It didn’t serve me. It only set me up to constantly struggle with my own worth as a mom and homeschooling parent.

I wasn’t the type of homeschooler I thought I should be and no matter how good the day might have been, when I looked at all the mess left behind I had those unfriendly thoughts there to poison me against homeschooling (and myself).

I could give you the reasons we started homeschooling (they were valid and not going to change), but I began to wonder if I could survive under the pressure? Mumbling to myself about how I hate homeschooling was the result of a long road of frustration.

Homeschool Burnout

I was burned out. The Merriam-Webster’s definition of burnout is exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration. Can I get an amen?

I know you don’t come to a homeschool mom blog to hear about how much it sucks, but we need to be REALLY honest about the emotional toll homeschooling can take on our lives.

I had a bad case of the shoulds.

What are the shoulds?

All those times that you tell yourself you should be doing something, or the kids should be doing something, or your partner, or your parents, or your friends, or the dogs. The shoulds only lead to everyone feeling like that other word that starts with a s and an h.

Why are they so bad?

According to Mike Staver, “A should is simply an expectation imposed (emphasis on imposed) by us on another person or circumstance. The worst kind of shoulds are those imposed on ourselves. ” As women, it is like we were all given the shoulds masterclass before the end of puberty.

If you Google shoulds, you will find lots of great resources from Psychology Today and Very Well Mind. The shoulds limit our mindset and prevent our growth.

Momma stop shoulding on yourself. These poison thoughts are not serving you. You can’t feel good about yourself when your thoughts are full of shoulds, but you can change it.

Your feelings and actions are a result of your thoughts. We can decide if we want to keep our thoughts or not. If we change our thoughts we can change our feeling and actions.

The shoulds and homeschool stress.

I was spending a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out what the heck I should be doing. In fact all my time was spent figuring out what I should be doing. I found it hard to create enough time and energy to do things I thought I should do.

I would spend hours researching the perfect curriculum or activity and putting it together (because that is what I thought good homeschoolers should do). By the time we got to it, I would either be so drained that I couldn’t enjoy it or the project that took me 4 days to set up the kids finished in 20 minutes and I was devastated.

I would allow all those thoughts to start spiraling. Telling me all the ways I failed as a woman. This is where it gets ugly – I just accepted them as facts.

I kept trying to do homeschool the way I saw it done on Pinterest – the way I thought I should. Every time I allowed the shoulds in I sat myself up to feel defeated, overwhelmed, and looking for another solution. The quest for the better way is often a result of the shoulds.

My shoulds weren’t just for me. I had shoulds for my kids and my partner too. They should want to learn. Everyone should appreciate my effort. They should appreciate our sacrifices.

Questioning your own homeschool expectations.

The thing is – none of that was true. Read that again. Those shoulds were not. even. true. My kids are kids. You never really appreciate your parents until you have kids of your own. They are gonna be kids.

My own shoulds about homeschooling weren’t true either. There was no valid checklist for what a good homeschooler should be (although I’m sure if you do a search on Pinterest you will find about fifty). What makes a good homeschooler is different for each and every person that is taking on the challenge.

What feels like a good homeschool day in one house might look very different from the good homeschool day in my house. Wasn’t that one of the things we were all looking for when this started? To be able to customize the experience?

I don’t hate homeschooling after all

Letting go of the shoulds meant freedom for all of us. Our homeschool looks so different from that day when I muttered to myself, “I hate homeschooling”.

I outsource teaching topics I don’t enjoy teaching and that my kids need extra help with. I accept myself . I do not have the training or personal strengths to best teach them all the things and I’m okay with that.

Our family is enjoying our time more. We watch a documentary or go get a slushie because we aren’t so bogged down in grammar or tears.

Our family discusses current events, politics, and Hamilton around our dining room table. We talk about good books and sports and gaming. We are a family that homeschools – the family part comes first.

There is nothing we should be doing – we are exactly who we are meant to be. I don’t mumble I hate homeschooling any more.

If you were wondering about some of my old homeschool shoulds.

The portion in italics after is how I got my brain in the habit of challenging these old destructive thoughts.

I should be teaching every subject myself. Why?
I should be able to work with each child on every subject. Why?
I should have more patience. Who says I don’t have just the right amount?
I should be more organized. Can I do things that don’t require me to change how I like to live my life?
I should be more consistent. Can I find things I enjoy that make being consistent easy?
I should find a better way to do this so they will want to learn. Can I control how someone else feels?
I should be a better planner. Can I find things that are easier to plan and execute?
I should be more together. What if I’m exactly the mom I was meant to be?
I should be getting together with other kids more or less – depending on the day. Why?
I should not need time to rest. Are my thoughts making me tired? What can I do to be less tired? What can I cut out?
I should not need time alone or for my own interests. Is that true?
I should be happy all the time. Is that true?
They should be able to do XYZ. Is that true?
They should be happy they are getting to homeschool. I can’t control how anyone else feels.
They should appreciate the sacrifices we’ve made to homeschool. I can’t control how anyone else feels.
They should want to help around the house more. Can I control how someone else feels?

Self-Care isn’t pedicures and lattes. Reversing Homeschool Burnout.

If you are experiencing homeschool burnout, please know that while a latte and pedicure are great, it is not what taking care of yourself really looks like. If there is anything that quarantine has taught us – there are things on our to do list that we aren’t doing because we don’t want to do them. They are on the list because we think we should do them.

Start looking for your shoulds and let them go. Choose the things that you see value in doing and let the perfect Pinterest homeschoolers do the rest. Let me know when you want to grab a coffee!